Not surprisingly, I don't take pictures of the arguments, disobedience, tantrums, fights and less desirable behavior. (Although, I wonder what would happen if I did? ha!) Those moments tend to stay imprinted on my mind without needing pictures to remind me of them. Somehow it's easier to recall the harder moments than it is to recall the sweet moments.
That is why taking pictures of the kids delighting in life and exploring their world fills my heart with such contentment. It reminds me of God's goodness and faithfulness to us all. It's a reminder of how far we have come and how much we have grown. It makes me notice that with God's help at times we are more than surviving, we are thriving. That is a glorious truth and although the pictures on this blog are real and good, they are only part of the story.
In October, it will be two years since we decided to host Irina for Christmas 2012. What an emotional roller coaster ride we've been on. We've experienced the highs and anticipation of meeting her. The exhaustion and joy of her presence amongst us for 19 days. Then came the devastation as we said goodbye at the conclusion of her hosting visit in January 2013. There were the questions, hard decisions and intensity of seeking the Lord's leading regarding adopting Irina. The amazing closeness as we relied on the Lord again and again for the "next faithful step". The waiting and wondering... the painful goodbyes to the boys in October 2013 as we embarked on our first trip to Ukraine without them. Then the excitement of bringing the boys with us on a trip of a lifetime. On November 22, 2013, finally she was our daughter. The Lord showed His faithfulness by clearly paving the way and blessing us with angels all along our path home.
When we arrived home on December 3rd, 2013 our mission was complete. We got to watch and see our beautiful butterfly take flight as she experienced many firsts and was surrounded by the love of family. What could be more amazing and faith bolstering than relying so fully on my Heavenly Father? What could be more incredible then taking a risk for Christ to provide hope and a future for an abandoned young lady?
After all that goodness, I was not expecting life to become all about surviving and keeping myself from drowning. Going from three to four children rocked my world... which I realized wasn't as solid as I thought it was. All at once there was too much mess, too much laundry, too much training and teaching, major sensory overload, and the constant noise and chatter. The emotional lows seemed to be more frequent. My sinful heart became more and more exposed as I tried unsuccessfully to be the perfect adoptive mom and perfect Christ follower.
Months have gone by filled with confusion and contrasts. Life is wonderful! (You saw pictures of this.) Life is impossible! (I may have shared tiny glimpses of this.) Even now, I try and try to reach the unrealistic standards I set in place for myself and come up short EVERY TIME. Why do I do this?
This brokenness, sadness and weakness I feel is something the world tells me to hide. We aren't supposed to be weak and certainly if you are you shouldn't tell others about it. I may be walking through "Post Adoption Depression" that I've read about. It may just be how I'm wired. I don't know. Somehow God, in His infinite goodness, is taking this brokenness and softening me to learn more about Him. Maybe some good will result from this yucky place after all?
I'm reading a book entitled Extravagant Grace by Barbara R. Duguid. It's tough, challenging and encouraging. Not the kind of book you can read with your brain turned off. I am struggling to be reminded of His grace for me. While I know confidently that my salvation is not based on anything I have to offer and that it is a FREE gift, ("For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God -- not by works, so that no one can boast.") Eph. 2:8-9 I have found myself falling into a trap. I have fallen into the trap of attempting to earn God's love. Somehow maybe I can make Him love me more to overcome the disappointment He must feel as He sees the mess I've made of things as a mother? That is ridiculous and wrong thinking. The Bible tells me that He loves me just as I am as a weak sinner. I can do nothing to make Him love me more and nothing to make Him love me less. Incomprehensible?!?! It is so hard to wrap my earthly mind around that amazing unconditional love.
Here are a few quotes that have my brain spinning and spinning:
"The predicament we (Christ followers) all share is that while we are new creations in Christ (2 Cor. 5:17) and have been given living hearts with which to know and worship God (Ezek 36:26-27), we are still very sinful people. We remain weak, rebellious, and inclined toward drifting away from God until the day we see him face to face. Along with the hymn writer, each one of us can say that we are 'prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love.'" p. 26 Extravagant Grace
"God could have saved us and made us instantly perfect. ... God thinks that you will actually come to know and love him better as a desperate and weak sinner in continual need of grace than you would as a triumphant Christian warrior who wins each and every battle against sin. This makes sense of out of our experience as Christians. If the job of the Holy Spirit is to make you more humble and dependent on Christ, more grateful for his sacrifice and more adoring of him as a wonderful Savior, then he might be doing a very, very good job even though you still sin every day." p. 30-31Extravagant Grace
I wonder what kind of pictures God would capture of our lives if He used a camera?
I'm fairly certain He would not take photos of our sinful ugly moments. "As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us." Psalm 103:12 Because of Jesus' death on the cross we are set FREE from condemnation. "Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death." Romans 8:1-2
I'm beginning to suspect that God wouldn't take pictures of our idea of beauty... those moments when we feel strong, powerful and competent in our own strength.
Perhaps what would give God the most joy are the pictures of us needy, weak and relying on Him alone for our strength? "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9
The picture I see of myself as a weak, pitiful sinner He sees as HIS BEAUTIFUL, REDEEMED CREATION. God doesn't make mistakes, so He must not have made a mistake when He created me. He knew that this adoption journey would not be easy (even though I can share pictures that makes it seem that way). He knows of my sin before I do. He is not surprised by it and He does not stop loving me. He knows exactly what it will take for me to learn to rely on Him more fully and loves me enough to stay beside me as I muddle along in the pit.
I am praying that God who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Lord, give me joy in my many weaknesses and reliance on your strength. Help me not to long for an easy life, but more of You in my life. May I boast only in You. Remind me of your steadfast love that never fails.
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