Trap

Have you ever fallen into the perfectionist, comparison trap? As this month comes to a close, I find myself there and it is miserable. It's so easy to read the Facebook news feed, scan my favorite blogs and even look at the friends and neighbors around me and decide that I don't measure up. I assign myself a grade. F.

Somehow it comes so naturally for me to create an expectation for my own life and strive for unrealistic impossible perfection. Oh how I strive to attain these goals! Is my house clean enough? What's my home decorating grade? Am I feeding my family good, clean, natural and nutritious meals? Am I organized? Am I fashionable? Am I schooling my children excellently? Am I parenting them well? Is their behavior respectful and loving? Am I a loving, self-sacrificing adoptive Momma? Am I helping my daughter heal from her wounds? What about my marriage? Do I love my husband well? Support him and show him respect? How about my walk with God? Am I spending time in His word? Am I experiencing joy as I walk through trials? My emotions? Do I have them under control? Am I too emotional? Do I cry too much? Get angry too quickly? Am I good blogger? ;) The list could go on and on. The harsh grade I assign myself... F, F, F, F...

I can even post beautiful pictures on this blog that communicate we are the image of success. No one wants to hear the real truth of our day to day struggles. (the tears, the angry words, the sibling scuffles) And to be honest, as the audience for this blog has grown I don't really want to share all of them. I think wisely, it is not appropriate. More and more as technology explodes, I rely on the half truths that we all present of ourselves to one another to condemn myself. Rarely do people share the whole picture.

I know in my head that perfect is impossible. I believe the Bible is God's infallible word. I know that only God and Jesus are without sin.  I know that we as humans are sinners. In the book of Romans, chapter 3, verse 10 it says, "There is no one righteous, not even one." And in Romans 3:23, "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." (emphasis mine) As much as I try to bridge the gap between myself and God, I will never reach His perfection. I know these things and believe them with my whole heart. Yet, why do I fool myself into thinking it's possible?

This adoption experience (and maybe parenting in general) has broken me. Life is not perfect and neat. I can't control our circumstances. I can't control the little people with whom I live. I can be in charge of them, but it is not about control. Some days, I accept this broken neediness for Jesus and march forward allowing Him to carry my burdens. Other days, weeks, months, I condemn myself for not measuring up in all the areas I listed above. Or, I find new areas I can strive to get an A+ in. Maybe I can get an A+ in bread making? Or in getting a new personal record in a running race? Oh how I seek after new things to reach perfection, but inevitably fall short.

The Lord is trying to break through my stubbornness and this pattern of seeking after perfection. I'm still in the rut, but I need to remind myself of these things:

1) I will fail. That is okay! This doesn't need to discourage me, because that is not the whole picture.

"Christ measured up on [my] behalf precisely because [I] would fail. Moreover, He gave [me] His Spirit so [I] can continue to pursue righteousness and become like Him." Paul David Tripp

2)  It matters what I speak to myself. As I grade myself on my shortcomings and weaknesses I tend to bully myself. I am my own worst critic. Either out loud or in my head, I berate myself and condemn myself. The Bible says that we need to speak truth to our heart. In a devotional by Paul David Tripp today, I was reminded that every day we have "constant conversations with our heart." What am I telling myself? Do I lie to my heart? Or, do I speak the truth to my heart as is written in scriptures?

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death." Romans 8:1 

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" 2 Corinthians 5:17 

"Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6 

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." Ephesian 4:29 

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things." Philippians 4:8 (emphasis mine)

3) All that matters is what the Lord desires of me. Not what others think of me. Not what the world deems valuable. I want to be transformed to be more like Jesus, not the world!!

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing, and perfect will." Romans 12:1-2

I am so thankful that I have God's word to correct my faulty thinking. I am so thankful that He loves me so well. I am so thankful that He can help me out of this trap I have fallen into!