Plans, Blooms, Weeds, and Trust

When we decided to host Irina last Christmas, it was never with the intent to adopt. It certainly wasn't a part of my plan to adopt a girl out of birth order. IF we were ever going to adopt, my plan was to adopt a girl younger then Aaron (our youngest). Well, we all know that Gods design is much better then anything I could have ever designed. If you've been reading this blog, you have seen it all unfold. Hopefully, you've read the testimony of God's goodness in blessing us with the gift of our precious daughter, Irina. Along the way, God has patiently been trying to teach my stubborn heart that His ways are always better then my own.

The story of how Irina became a Smith is a beautiful story. You've seen beautiful pictures of a joyful girl experiencing so many firsts. She IS radiant. There is a light that shines in her. She is full of delight as she zips around on her bike, runs around in the yard kicking a soccer ball with her brothers or squeals at the top of her lungs as she is pushed on a swing almost to the sky. There are lovely images and experiences to share that will make you fall in love with our daughter. Don't we all want the fairy tale ending? Of course!

Sadly, there is more to Irina's story before she came to be adopted. It's not appropriate for me to share that part of her story and my goal as her mom is to protect her from prying eyes or people who wish her harm. It's important to me that I am selective in what I share about all my children. However, you have to know that a child isn't healed from their emotional scars by some warm meals and fun experiences. We are not going to heal Irina by our good intentions. God is the only one in the business of redeeming. There are many layers to this journey. 

In spite of the sadness of her story, there are beautiful things blooming in Irina's heart that I did not plant or cultivate. I just get to sit back and watch them burst into bloom! She is determined, persistent, joyful, funny and strong. There is a bounce in her step. I am continually surprised by something new. However, "there are also other things in the garden of my daughter's heart and life that I did not plant but cannot ignore."* There are weeds that I need to "treat" to prevent them from choking out the life and joy that wants to flow from her. I feel like I'm floundering around trying to figure out how to "treat" those weeds. I know I cannot ignore them. I'd venture to say that it will be a lifelong process of learning how to parent and train her. There is not a quick fix and frankly, it is hard. We have had some really hard days. Some moments so much harder then I ever imagined and yet, others so much more joyful then I ever imagined. Does that even make sense?

For the majority of her life, Irina was likely in survival mode. That has shaped her behaviors significantly. She does not function like a little girl raised in a loving family like so many of us have experienced. "We are often inclined to view a situation or circumstance solely from our perspective, only taking into account what we know and perceive (all assessed with our own, more developed reasoning abilities)."** Even though WE know she is safe and well cared for, it will take time for HER to feel safe. It is all so foreign and beyond her comprehension. It will take time for us to teach her that she can trust us and that we truly want what is best for her.

I don't know about you, but even though God has proven himself trustworthy to me, I still doubt Him. It's crazy! He reminds me again and again that He is trustworthy through His scriptures and the ways He is at work in my life. Why am I so thick headed?

In the same way, we need to remind Irina again and again that we are worthy of her trust. I hope and pray that we see glimpses of her fear being replaced by trust. She is wounded. We want her to experience what it means to be loved by a family and most importantly by God. This love that God is asking us to give her feels sacrificial. It is not easy. It is at the expense of my comfort, my time alone, and my attempts at a neatly ordered life. It is sometimes painful. Isn't that how Jesus loves me?

It is not possible to love Irina the way Jesus loves me all on my own. I am being stripped bare of my own efforts. This experience is testing me beyond what I can handle. All I have left is Him and His strength. It's not always pretty around here, but I pray that there is new life springing up in all six of our hearts as we ALL learn about trust. (Please let it be sooner then later!) We'd love your prayers as we walk through these muddy waters.

Note: I've been working on this post for several days as a means to process what God is teaching me. God gave me a little blessing tonight after another very hard day. One of my favorite times of the day is bedtime. (for many reasons! :) Daddy and Irina read for a while and then she asks me to sing to her. Typically, she holds my hand while I sing a couple songs and then we pray. At the conclusion of my prayer tonight I hugged her as usual. What surprised me is that she leaned over and gave me a kiss on the cheek and said, "I love you." It was the first time I've heard her say those words and although I suspect she doesn't understand what it means, it was what I needed to hear. Then she jumped out of bed and skipped to find Daddy so she could tell him the same thing. I need to savor this sweet moment as little gift from God.

* Quote by Cheryl Macdonald from the study guide "Created to Connect" by Dr. Karen Purvis
** Dr. Karen Purvis