We took the day off from school today to attend Homeschool Day at the Capitol.
It was a LONG but lovely day. We started out at the Library Of Virginia with
opening remarks and a funny skit by TeenPact on how a bill becomes a law.
It was very clever and kept the attention of my crew. Not an easy task. ;)
Then we were off to the Supreme Court Building for a tour.
Capitol Square
Tour of the Capitol: Thomas Jefferson and Robert E. Lee
George Washington Statue in the Capitol Rotunda
A peak in to the House of Delegates
Tour of the Executive Mansion
Lastly, St. John's Church for a Re-enactment of Patrick Henry's Speech
Inside the church
Patrick Henry actor
George Washington Actor
This field trip today required lots of patience and quiet listening. I can honestly say that they did great!?! Wow! Are they growing up? Are we entering a new phase? I'm so proud of them. The older two boys were especially attentive and interested. Irina did pretty well even though she had no background for even understanding what this trip was about. She absorbed everything though. It was hard for her to sit still, but she mostly did it! We're making progress. Thankful to be reminded of that today. Not to mention being thankful for homeschool perks AND a great adult to kid ratio! (4 adults/4 kids) :)
If you are looking for some interesting reading, do a search on the impact of abuse and neglect on the developing brain. It's really quite fascinating and horrifying all at the same time. Reading for merely five minutes will convince you that parenting a child from a hard place is very different then parenting a child raised in a loving environment. I read this quote HERE and find it a timely reminder.
"We need to understand the indelible relationship between early life experiences and cognitive, social, emotional and physical health." - Dr. Bruce Perry
This is not new information to me, so why do I find myself surprised by the fluctuation between "storms" and "sunshine' in my daughter? It's more then hormonal tween behavior, by the way. There is a very real reason why particular situations will create the "fight, flight, or freeze" response in Irina. (We've seen all three.) It's so important for us to be prepared and anticipate these reactions with a plan. (which we are working on learning!) The good news...
"There is hope, however. The brain is very "plastic" - meaning it is capable of changing in response to experiences, especially repetitive and patterned experiences." - Dr. Bruce Perry
"Children can learn to balance brain neurochemistry. Regulation has to be modeled and developed. Over time, they learn self-regulation. It must be mentored." - Dr. Karyn Purvis
What that looks like for Irina is very endearing to my heart. When we are at home and she is struggling to self-regulate her "go-to comfort" is this:
She goes to the school room, closes the door, pops in the accompanying audio CD and listens while she is reading along. Sometimes she'll bring it up to her room and listen to it the entire hour long rest time. She is learning to find her comfort in Jesus. What could be better? What a sweet little heart.
Growing up, I LOVED curling my hair. I had hot rollers, curling sticks, curling irons, and the squishy overnight pink rollers. I spotted the pink ones in the store this past week and couldn't resist buying some. We had some mother/daughter curler bonding and Irina LOVED it. It definitely met some needs in her and maybe a few in me too. ;)
When the boys saw Irina in the rollers they said, "You look like Grandma!"
To which she replied with a smile, "I know." She was proud to look like Grandma in her rollers.
I don't look nearly as cute as Irina, but she was thrilled when I took
the remaining four rollers and popped them in my hair.
"You can put the pictures on your blog Mommy. That's okay." said the smart little lady!
Of course beauty comes from within (which we emphasize), but I love that
she has a Daddy and brothers that encourage her. She couldn't wait to show
them the results and they gushed over her pretty hair.
I never would have believed it, but we have officially entered the world of drumming.
When Luke began drumming back in the summer, it never once crossed my mind that we would have A DRUM SET IN OUR HOUSE! (Isn't that silly of me?)
What is even more amazing is that every time he plays I am filled with JOY. It is not noise in a negative sense of the word. (And I'm sensitive to noise.) It is a noise filled with exuberance and creativity. I don't smile nearly enough these days, but hearing him skillfully beat the bass, hit the snare drum, toms, and high hat makes me SMILE. Luke was meant to make music. It is his gift from God. What a joyful noise! (hopefully the neighbors feel the same way.)
He might be a wee bit happy too! :)
Even better is watching him when he doesn't know you are watching.
He is relaxed and grooving to the beat. It is awesome!
Those of you who know Luke as the quiet, shy guy would never believe it.
My daughter is amazing. She is thoughtful, adaptive, determined, intuitive, confident, and full of unexplainable JOY. If I step back and look from the sidelines, this is what I see. Perhaps this is what you see? However, I confess that in the pulse of every day life, I have a hard time seeing those positive qualities because the wounded parts of Irina's heart seem to shout at me in nearly every interaction.
Some of you have said, "She's so lucky you adopted her!" Yes, the alternative for her in the orphanage was GRIM. Especially in light of the continued conflict in Eastern Ukraine. We are thankful to have her here with us and we LOVE her. However, I would venture to say that although she has found much happiness here she would probably rather have not needed to be adopted in the first place. Irina probably wishes that she was born into a family able to love her from the beginning. "It's not fair."
Think about this:
"...all adoption stories begin with grief - the brokenness of a natural family. Therefore, all adoption is a ministry of mercy. Adoptive parents are called to step intentionally into brokenness for the purpose of healing. They make boys and girls, whose biological parents cannot raise them, into their own sons and daughters. This is mercy, and it will require a lifetime of ministry." - Brian Borgman
Even with all the training we went through, I never caught on to the fact that raising, teaching, and loving our daughter would be A LIFETIME MINISTRY. It's time for me to rearrange my perspective and put on my "armor" for the long ride. Ten years of brokenness is not going to be "fixed" or "healed" in one short year. And let's be honest here... what's really been exposed in this one year is that I am called to love, serve, accept, and forgive regardless of how I am treated in return. (with the Holy Spirit's help, of course!)
"So take up the whole armor of God and remember the victory is his. You need God's wisdom if you are going to maintain the proper perspective. A biblically wise gospel orientation keeps you looking past self-pity, personal insults, and inconvenience, and helps you maintain a warfare mentality. It drives you to "be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might." (Ephesians 6:10)
And to clarify, this quote above is not saying that we are waging war against the child. A "warfare mentality" is waging war against the enemy (the evil one) who is trying to turn us inward (focused on self) and not upward (focused on God).
"Adoption, like marriage and parenting in general, has a way of ruthlessly exposing what is in our hearts. It is a great opportunity for ministry, as we have seen, but that means it is also a great revealer of idols and sinful attitudes." - Brian Borgman
Idols indeed. I have come face to face with my favorite idols: peace, quiet, order, and control. These are not new. They've been here long before we adopted. However, the adoption has brought them glaringly to light. Here is what that looks like: When there is conflict, NOISE, mess, and disobedience, I am prone to bitterness, resentment, and anger. Have I mentioned we don't have a lot of peace, quiet, or order around here? When I honestly look in my hearts mirror, it is not lovely. Our adoption journey is forcing me to examine my heart, repent, and rely on His strength.
I have the lyrics to this hymn written out on an index card and carry it in my back pocket. I am trying to train myself to remember truth and re-wire my reactions. I call it my "Emergency Card."
"My hope is built on nothing less then Jesus blood and righteousness;
I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean on Jesus' name.
On Christ the solid rock I stand; all other ground is sinking sand." - Edward Mote
Lastly, I want to end with one more quote. All of these quotes are from a book I'm reading called, "After They Are Yours - The Grace and Grit of Adoption" by Brian Borgman. I hope my ramblings encourage you, whether or not you are in the adoption world. God is at work and that is a good thing! Even though it is painful, I feel His mercy and gentleness and encouragement. I KNOW He loves me. Just this week, He showed me His love in so many ways. (phone calls from friends, answered prayers, sweet scripture that speaks to my heart, and music that penetrates)
"Adoption is both ministry and spiritual warfare, but it is also a very effective tool in heart surgery, idol exposure, and (hopefully) idol destruction. We must be open to this painful process. There is no way to move ahead and make progress if you are holding on to idols in your own heart.
Sometimes I feel like a patient on a gurney, wearing a gown, ready to be rolled into an operating room. The only thing missing is the anesthesia, for God is not in the habit of anesthetizing us before he opens us up. When he performs "idolectomies," he does so with love and mercy, yet divine love and mercy are sometimes accompanied necessarily by pain." - Brian Borgman
On Wednesday, we had some sleet and ice. The result was no Bible Study. boo! :( However it was a great opportunity to complete our school work in the morning (yay!) AND spend time outside. The kids were SO eager to get out in the freezing temperatures. Are they crazy??? It was only 28 degrees. They played outside sliding around in the ice for about an hour +. They didn't even wait for me to pull out their snow boots from storage.
Below: Irina is getting ready to go down the slide on a sled. They also went down many times riding in the back of a dump truck. That is, until this Nervous Nelly (a.k.a - me) asked them to stop before someone tipped out and did a face plant breaking all their front teeth.
SOO good for them to burn some energy!!! It's that time of year that
I need to be more intentional about getting them exercise.
You can imagine that if they were excited about ice, they would be THRILLED to find a dusting of snow on Thursday morning. We extended our morning school break so they could romp around in the dusting before it all melted.
It doesn't take much to entertain these four kids.
How is it Wednesday already??? I think we are slowly recovering from a couple late nights this weekend. Perhaps that is the reason for the madness in our house this week? ;)
BASKETBALL: This past Saturday, Aaron had his first basketball game. Aaron is my sports guy. He truly loves any sport and has some natural talent at most games he tries. Perhaps it is sad for him that we don't watch much sports around here. I don't even think of turning the television on. As a result, he doesn't really know how all the games are played. However, he will give any sport his best shot and learns quickly. This is his first chance to play on a team.
Back in September when I signed him up, he was thrilled. In November, when we went to get measured for his uniform and have his skills assessed, I had to carry him to the car kicking, crying, and screaming. seriously!?! He was SO nervous and scared. When we walked out of the assessment, he was all smiles and couldn't wait to start. He continues to be nervous at the start of every practice.
I'm not very good at capturing the action shots, but there is Aaron on the right paired up against his friend from church. How fun is that? It was an EARLY Saturday morning for our family. We've gotten accustomed to being leisurely on Saturday mornings, but now that basketball season is upon us we have some adjusting to do. All six of us were out the door by 8am! (Which meant I had to get up REALLY early to get my long run in. I don't like to leave the neighborhood in the dark, so it was a boring run around and around our small neighborhood to get in the miles.)
Aaron had a great first game and earned the "offensive" star for the game. We love Upward basketball!
BROTHERS: Mid day Saturday, the two oldest boys went to Grammy and Poppy's to WORK. They asked to go over and do some jobs and Grammy said, "YES!" She made a long mental list. Luke is saving up to buy a drum set (more on that soon) and has been requesting to do extra jobs to earn money. We decided it would work best if they went as a team. They are such a GREAT TEAM!
Despite all their shenanigans and moments of conflict, they love each other and work very well together. I think they were really helpful and I hear they were hard workers. They are growing up and at moments like this, I'm proud of them. They are sweet brothers. I couldn't resist looking back at some pictures from the past.
BAPTISM: Sunday afternoon, we made the trip to Darin's sisters town for our niece's baptism. (A little over an hour away.) I didn't get nearly enough pictures, but these two say a lot. I wasn't sure how the kids would do during the long church service but phew! they did great.
Isn't she precious?!?!
After our delicious meal, the kids scampered off to play and I got to hold that
squishy bundle seen above. Babies are sweet to enjoy for a little while, but at this
point in my life I'm always happy to pass them back to their Mom! :) No more babies for me!
These two (Darin and my brother-in-law) spent a lot of time laughing.
I could barely capture a still photo. It's good to see the laughter.
The time with family speeds by so quickly. I'm always amazed by how late it is when we part ways.
So it was a groggy start to the week, but it's Wednesday already!
A couple years ago, I started this blog to advocate for an orphan from Ukraine that we were hosting for Christmas. At the time, I had been writing at a different blog address sharing our adventures and experiences as a family of five. I felt confident that it was by God's grace alone that I had anything good to share. ;) When I abandoned that blog and jumped over here, it was to tell the story of our joyful butterfly Irina. I had no idea that God would call us to something so hard, amazing, and profound. I had no idea that God would call us to leave what was safe and relatively known for the unknown... adoption.
We recently submitted our one year report to the Ukrainian embassy and it was full of detailed questions about Irina's growth (developmentally, physically, emotionally). A month ago when I sat down to complete this report, it was very beneficial for me to look back and see the progress. Do you ever get so bogged down by the hard now and forget how God has carried you? I sure do. While we still have so far to go (particularly me!), we've come so far. Is that possible?
If you've followed the story and prayed for our journey, you are probably curious how Irina is really doing. Some of you sweet people may want to know how the rest of us are doing. I've debated what to share and what not to share. I want to protect my daughter, but proclaim God's goodness in bringing about change. I want to share the beautiful qualities we've seen blossom, but also acknowledge the scars that come with brokenness, abandonment, and neglect. I want to advocate for the beauty in adoption, but not perpetuate the myth of a romantic fairy tale that is tempting to believe.
So here we go... here are a few things I'm willing to share...
1) Stats: We don't have her exact height measurement when she officially became our daughter. It's buried in a stack of papers written in Russian. However, we estimate that in one year she has grown about 6 inches and gained approximately 20 pounds. She is a tall, lean, growing machine! After years of malnourishment, her body is thriving with all the nutritious foods. I am very grateful that she is agreeable to every food I offer her. She loves fruits and vegetables along with every other meal I serve her. "I like all foods you make Mommy." I need to remember what a blessing this is. Remember how we were told she is allergic to citrus and chocolate? We're pretty convinced that is no longer true (if it was ever true.) Her skin is very sensitive, so citrus can cause a dermatological reaction if she doesn't wash her face and hands after eating but no other reactions.
The tricky part with food is that she has not learned what it means to be full until she is overfull and has a stomach ache. I'm fairly certain she never had to worry about being full until she came to America. An empty stomach was more the norm for TEN years. We're learning together how to adjust. Buffets can be a disaster. I'm trying to teach her good skills and prepare her in advance with a strategy so she doesn't suffer with stomach aches after the fact. She is not alone in learning how to handle a spread of food. I know a certain 6 year old in our house who camped out at the potato chip bowl at Grandma and Grandpa's house during the cousin party. ;)
2) Sleeping: Do you remember how much Irina struggled with sleep a year ago? Oh my goodness! I was so sleep deprived (as was she). The nightmares, the fears, and the manipulation was intense. I slept in her room for a little while. She slept on an air mattress on the floor in our room for months. I selfishly wondered if I'd ever be alone again. We finally turned the corner and she was sleeping in her own room, but it would take hours for her to settle. One of us (usually me) sat in her room every night for up to two hours until she felt relaxed enough to close her eyes. These days, she goes to sleep every night with little difficulty between 8 and 8:30 and sleeps until 7am. (sometimes longer if the boys are quiet!) Praise the Lord! She feels safe and secure. Occasionally, she has a bad dream but is comforted by a prayer and hug. I suspect that all this good sleep has aided her growing too.
3) School: We feel very sure that homeschooling was the right choice for Irina. She is flourishing because she has been able to start back at the beginning and move at her pace. She is confident and eager to learn, but becomes very upset if she doesn't catch on to something quickly. Maybe she gets that from me? ;) I can't imagine expecting her to do 5th or 6th grade work with so many educational gaps. How could she run if she never learned to stand up? We are half way through the school year and making steady progress. She's reading at a 1st or 2nd grade level and nearly finished with 2nd grade math curriculum. She has a pretty large vocabulary for only just learning English. I'm not sure what her educational future will look like, but I am blessed that she is a willing student (most of the time).
4) Development: Irina is truly a lovely girl. She is full of youthful joy and laughs easily. It's really quite amazing that she isn't hardened and angry after all she has been through. Perhaps that is what is so captivating about her? She is also a survivor. She notices everything, picks up on body language, and is very intuitive. Unfortunately, there are some aspects of those survival skills that are less then desirable and unhealthy. Only time will tell if those instincts will ever fade away.
Over the past year she has learned simple skills like how to blow her nose and how to cut with scissors as well as more difficult skills like how to ride a bike and swim. For all you moms out there feeling insecure... don't take for granted all you teach your children without even realizing it! It is mind boggling how much Irina was never taught or experienced.
For whatever reason (and I have my suspicions), the mother/daughter relationship has been the most challenging for Irina and me. I have so much to learn about parenting a special girl from a hard place as well as parenting a girl in general!! (the drama, the emotions, the neediness, the resistance to all my instructions) By the end of the day, I'm often so exhausted from the circus-like atmosphere around here (remember those three spirited boys?!?!) that I'm not able to put the time into researching and learning how to nurture Irina in the way she specifically needs to be nurtured. You cannot parent a child from hard places the way you might parent a biological child. There are so many more complicated layers. So if you think of it... pray for me. I'm not too ashamed to ask for prayer.
Which brings me to my story, this has probably been one of the most challenging years for me for many reasons which I'll not go into here. But I claim that God is my strength. I'm clinging to Him, praying that I'll believe to the depths of my heart that He will give me peace and joy regardless of my circumstances. I stand firm that it was God's plan for Irina to join our family. Ten years from now, when I'm almost 50 (?!?!) I hope and pray I can look back and see the workings of Gods hands and understand His purpose for this season.
Lately the new song from Toby Mac called "Beyond Me" has resonated in my heart. Particularly the lyrics which say, "Called me to waters a little too deep, Oh I've never been so aware of my need." God has called us to be adoptive parents to a precious girl and it's hard. But, I've truly never been so aware of my need for Him. There is a sweetness in that which makes me thankful.
