Golly, it's been a week since I last posted and I miss it. I started writing a post on three different occasions, but each time I just couldn't press the "Publish" button. The stirrings in my heart are too personal, revealing, and perhaps a little too raw to share. Life is messy. My house is messy! (a fact I'm not accepting of) Maybe that is why I can't think straight?
I can't seem to organize my thoughts or make sense of my feelings. It would be easier if I could file my thoughts away until I have uninterrupted time to think them through. That's not reality right now. Instead, my thoughts are constantly spinning and spinning in my head. Even when I'm simplifying fractions, teaching vowel sounds, studying the Victorian Era and planning meals for our family my brain won't turn off.
Unfortunately, it takes effort to see the good lately. So, I'm practicing cultivating a thankful spirit. Here are snapshots of what I'm learning and what fills my heart with thankfulness.
1) The theme for Community Bible Study this year is "Return to Jerusalem." We are moving at high speed and reading books of the Bible I have never read. I've been challenged by Jeremiah's willingness to obey God's call for his life and boldly proclaim God's words to a stubborn people. I'm challenged that although the people did NOT repent, Jeremiah's mission was still considered successful in God's eyes. "If we have done what God wants us to do in faithful obedience, then we can leave the results up to Him. God measures our success by our obedience." (Faye Rivers) Hmmm... how do I define success? Am I being obedient to what God is calling me to do? Am I trusting Him for the results?
2) My kids are serious "pretenders."All four of them! If we go to the zoo, then they pretend play they are zoo animals and zoo keepers. If we watch a clip of American Ninja Warrior, then they pretend they are the athletes. Everything they see and hear is fair game for pretend play. We took a field trip to an estate that was built in the Victorian Era. Following the trip they spent HOURS pretending they were from the Victorian Era. When they started cleaning their rooms at bedtime Friday night to "set it up like a museum," I was hard pressed to discourage this type of pretend play. Clean kids! Clean!!! :) They worked eagerly fluffing pillows, turning back their bed covers, straightening book shelves, etc.. I watched in amazement as they worked diligently. They finally settled for bedtime, but were up the next morning back to their Victorian play. I'm so thankful for their amazing imaginations. And again, I'm thankful for how the boys include Irina and listen to her ideas too. They never exclude her and she feels safe to join in. This is a gift.
3) I'm slowly settling in to our long school days. It's a reality that I need to accept, and I accept it better when I have cooperative students. What a treat today (Monday) to finish school with my bookends (Irina and Aaron) at 12:35!!! I cannot describe how lovely it was to have 2 hours before picking up the older boys. I'm driven by my need to be productive, but I have to say I don't feel guilty that I spent a large chunk of my extra time today working on my Bible Study and reading a book. (I will probably regret that I didn't vacuum the house, fold laundry, or clean bathrooms. For now I can say I enjoyed myself.) I'm so thankful that Aaron and Irina had such a great time on this rainy day building with legos together. What a sweet reprieve for me!
4) Little by little, I am understanding Irina better. I am learning how to keep her functioning more optimally. I'm aware of "little sparks" that can become "BIG flames." I'm trying to choose to "catch the spark" instead of fanning the flame. Sometimes I'm stubborn and foolish and make things worse.
Meeting Irina's physical needs takes effort and awareness. Sounds silly, but it matters. Did you know kids from hard places are more prone to dehydration? (learned that at the conference) Now I finally understand there are biological reasons for her constant obsessive need for water. She also needs a healthy snack every two hours. It doesn't serve us well for her blood sugar to drop.
Life moves more smoothly when Irina has a clear schedule. Don't we all? We still have occasional meltdowns on weekends without structure and without a clear plan for the day. She does not handle transition very well or a change in plans. This is not unique to her. I have a biological boy who has similar struggles. I'm trying to coach them both through these changes in plans. When I'm intentional, patient, and persistent it is better for all of us. I am often stubborn, irritated, foolish, and impatient. God is trying to smooth out my many rough edges... if I'll let Him.
So what am I thankful for in all these words? I'm thankful that I'm learning. There is progress, no matter how small it feels. Just like God does not give up on me, He is trying to teach me to keep pouring out love on my daughter and pursuing her even when it doesn't feel easy. Doesn't God offer me that unconditional love, grace, and forgiveness? This attachment process will take time.
5) Lastly, today I'm thankful for a selfless study hall teacher at the homeschool academy. Ethan's classes finish 1.5 hours before Luke's are finished. During that last chunk of time, Ethan sits in study hall and is supposed to work on his other core work while waiting for me to pick up both boys. The past couple weeks, she has voluntarily helped Ethan focus and keep on task. (Which is especially hard for him at the end of the school day!) This study hall teacher not only serves me, but Ethan has thoroughly enjoyed her positive interaction. This blesses me quite a bit!
* More pictures coming soon!
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