Ramblings from the Heart

Note: A post with pictures is coming soon and there are some good ones! Feel free to skip over these ramblings from my heart. :)

I know without a doubt that God intended for us to adopt Irina. God made that very clear to us as we waited and waited what seemed like forever, but was only 10 months. During that time we prayed and listened. Each step we took forward, God prompted us to keep moving. I can never go back and question our decision. I am that confident of the Lord's leading. So here we are now, day two completed of having a daughter and I am seeing glimpses of how hard this is and will be. (Which are not really a surprise, but hard none the less.)

Perhaps I'd feel the same way if I was home two days with a newborn. Surely the newborn would be requiring a lot of attention. Round the clock feedings, diaper changes, snuggling, care and attention. And surely, if we had a newborn the boys would be reacting in a similar way to how they are acting now. Clamoring for attention, feeling left out at times, and sensitive to whom we shower our attention on.

In many ways, a 10 year old is easier then a baby. No night wakings. She's potty trained and can dress herself. She even insists on washing all the dishes and cleaning the kitchen with me. With a little instruction, she does a great job. In some ways, a 10 year old is harder. She's 10, but hasn't been taught some things that a five year old has been taught. There are so many mental gymnastics to parenting her. Am I helping her bond? Am I setting the wrong precedent? Are we being too lenient? Are we letting her do things we'd never let the boys do and does that even matter? Or, are we being too strict?

Moment by moment I struggle to know the right choices to make. Perhaps all this confusion is amplified by being in a different country with different foods and different languages? Likely, the struggles are partly due to my own selfishness and lack of comfort. Wishing I could go out for a long run or eat my favorite boring foods or maybe even sleep with a pillow in a cozy bed. Ultimately, it is a reminder of how much I need God. There is no mistaking that. Oh how I need Him!

God has brought us here for a reason. We suddenly have this beautiful girl that is our daughter. There is a joy and spark of life in her that is unexplainable. She surprises us with new things each day. She is determined and strong willed and starving for attention and love. She'll do just about anything to get it! There is so much more to be uncovered about her as she learns English -- which she is eager to learn. She still talks nonstop Russian in hopes that we'll understand. The boys have truly opened their hearts to having her as their sister.

We've left what is comfortable for the unknown out of obedience to God, and it feels scary. We have received more support, help and encouragement from family and friends then I would have ever imagined. There are too many names to list but you've provided funds, lots of babysitting, donations for the orphanage, special gifts for Irina, clothes for Irina, entertainment for the kids while traveling, gift cards, Juice Plus+, emotional support, etc.. All a sign of God's provision and yet my mind is still quick to doubt or be afraid. All along this journey God has been present and obvious. The people we have met in country are unbelievable testimonies of God's faithfulness and provision. And yet, I am quick to be less then joyful when things feel hard. Oh Jesus, help my unbelief! I need to remind myself that He is with us. He is never leaving us and He provides us with so much more then we can ask or imagine. He doesn't change. His compassions never fail. His mercies are new every morning. Praise Him!

Great is Thy faithfulness, oh God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever wilt be.

Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Pardon for sin and a peace that endurethThine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!Morning by morning new mercies I see.All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!