Whole Truth

I am so thankful to have a huge adoption support base within our church and a neighboring church. Thanks to the internet, I have also found other moms who are willing to tell the whole truth about the challenges of adoption. It is so comforting to follow the journeys of these moms who really get my "new life" in ways outsiders can't fathom. On top of that, these blogs point me to Jesus in the midst of the muck and mire.

Back in September when I thought I knew what we were in for (ha!), I posted the link to a blog post titled, "10 Things You Wish You Knew About Adopting an Older Child." You can read the entire post HERE. I want to highlight a few that really resonated with me as I re-read the post this weekend.

5. You will be shocked by this child's immaturity. No matter how old their paperwork says they are, in reality they are more like a toddler. So you have to start with toddler basics--things like: sit quietly at the table, don't wipe your snot on your shirt, don't throw yourself on the floor when I tell you"no." And you will begin the long process of repeating yourself, daily. Some new behaviors will be learned quickly--but other ones will take every.last.drop of energy you ever possessed. You will have to teach your child how to snuggle, how to seek comfort, how to need people, how to read their body signals, how to do just about every last thing. You will cease to stress over schoolwork and such and will learn to appreciate little victories--- like the first time you take your child to the store and they don't crawl under the clothing racks or run around in loud circles. Or the first time they fall and get hurt and run TO you instead of AWAY from you. You'll capture the first unsolicited kiss or hug and the first "I love you" and keep the memory and sweetness of it tucked away for the next exhausting day. 

This has been very true. I have to constantly remind myself to NOT EXPECT that this tall, beautiful 10 year old to act like her age. There is so much to teach her. Some days we take two steps forward only to take three steps back the next day. The good news is that our girl loves to snuggle and she always seeks and receives comfort from us when she gets hurt.

6. The honeymoon will eventually wear off completely, and your child will begin to grieve and rage heavily. The immensity of the loss combined with the inability to process their feelings in a healthy way--- and the language barrier-- will send the child almost completely over the edge. The mourning process may be quick but it may be lengthy and you will be dealing with hours and hours of crying, screaming, raging, defiance, or running away. This child who never learned to obey will defy you at every turn. You will need to help this child all.day.long. yet will feel the guilt of not being able to meet the needs of everyone who needs you simultaneously. The new child "needs" the most so the other family members must take second place for a time. And your guilt continues. You will, out of complete necessity, pull back from EVERYTHING else in your life. 

We have experienced ups and downs with the grieving process. Last week, Irina was determined to share with me as much as she could (with her limited English) about her past. My heart aches for her. That is all I can say. We still struggle with getting her to sleep, which does not enhance her behavior. Toddler defiance and resistance to every instruction I give is the norm.  And yes, the boys "feel" the ache of being second place all the time. Their world has been disrupted too and I am seeing the effects lately. The honeymoon for them is beginning to fade. They love their sister, but in some ways they are grieving the loss of what was familiar/normal too. They are struggling with sharing Mommy and Daddy and are obsessed with everything being "fair." If being defiant gets so much attention, maybe they want to try it too? The fighting and conflict amongst them has reached an all time high.

9. You will choose to continue on this journey, not because it is easy, but because it is good and right and necessary for healing. You will hold the raging child for hours and hours, you will redo and script and discipline and train and repeat yourself until you think you're going to lose your mind. You will snuggle this child when it makes your skin crawl, you will love this child even though you don't even like them some days, you will drop into bed drop-dead exhausted--- and then you will get up again the next day and do it all over again, because you are committed to helping this child blossom. You will not rely on your feelings, because they will be all over the stinkin' place at times, but you WILL rely on your husband, your faith, your unwavering commitment to parent this precious child. You will dig down deep and plow ahead, KNOWING the rewards will be worth it. 

We are committed to helping our daughter blossom, but I have to confess that I rely on my feelings far too much. I have to constantly remind myself to rely on the Lord, because I have reached the bottom. He is all that I have! There is much sweetness in this new place of constant reliance on my heavenly Father.

10. You will wake up one morning and realize you've both made it through the dark valley and you're finally on somewhat even ground. ... You will take a breath and realize that you no longer love the image of this child-- you truly love them. And you will find that your child is not the only one who has grown during this journey--- you will not be the same person as before. You will be better. You will have no regrets as you realize you would gladly do it all over again to get to TODAY. 

I have confidence that this day is coming and that is what helps me get out of bed some mornings.  It is my hope and prayer that we ALL would be changed as we participate in the healing of our sweet butterfly. God is at work in all of us as we learn about loving sacrificially.