Cliff Jumping

We leave in less then one week, and I will confess that today I am scared. While this is not a new emotion when it comes to our adoption journey, it is not one that I experience regularly. Today though, it hit me hard. 

We have nothing to boast about, except for the Lord. Prior to hosting Irina last Christmas, we talked about the possibility of adopting someday in the future. "Our plan" was to wait until we had our act together and then to adopt a young child under 3. 

And these plans were not carved in stone... we weren't even sure that we would adopt someday. Just some late night ramblings. 

It's quite funny when you think about it. Often times our plan is not God's plan. :) We certainly don't have our act together and Irina is 3 + 7! We cannot boast in perfect parenting skills, a perfectly well-kept house, or in a model marriage. We fall short of perfection. Why is He asking us to adopt Irina and take this leap?

Today, I felt a little like God was leading me off a cliff. There I am on the edge of the cliff and questioning why He wants me to move forward. I'm trying to control how fast I walk. I keep pulling back on His hand and finding diversions to keep me from confidently following Him. I tell Him I need to go back to the store to get one more thing for our journey off the cliff. Before I go, I need to make sure my snow boots and hat match my winter jacket. ;) And yet, He patiently stands beside me leading me on. Promising that He'll be with me. Promising me that He'll provide for all my needs. Promising me that trusting Him for His plan will bring so much more blessing than I can even imagine. Even when it is not easy. We're about to take that jump.

I was so much more adventurous in my teens and 20's! I've traveled overseas before to Austria, Czech Republic and Morocco. I don't remember being nervous about those trips. It's easy for me to build a wall around myself and think my safety comes from controlling my surroundings. I like to be over prepared and anticipate every need before it happens. If the packing list I found online says to bring duct tape and safety pins, by golly, I pack them. Why not? I do think there is value in being prepared, but I think there is a part of my obsessive detailed packing that stems from my lack of trust in God. Ultimately, no matter what I bring or don't bring, I need to remember that God will be with me. If I let Him, His Spirit will help me to find joy in all circumstances. My source of confidence and joy does not come from being prepared, but it comes from trusting in God. I'm preaching to myself here!

In Community Bible Study we are studying the book of Romans. This week, we are studying Chapter 4 in which Paul reminds the Romans that Abraham was justified by faith and not by works. What particularly captured my attention today was the reference to the story from Genesis 18:10-14 where God was promising Abraham that he would have a son. Now remember, at this point Abraham was about 100 years old and Sarah's womb was dead. And yet, Abraham believed the Lord when He said he would have a son and be the father of many nations. Romans 4:20-21 says, "Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised." This is the faith that made Abraham righteous. This challenges me and I pray that God will enable me to have a faith like Abraham. I pray that He will continue to do a good work in me.

I have no doubt that we are being obedient to God in pursuing the adoption of Irina. Honest and truly. If you've been reading this blog, you have seen the story unfold and seen how God has led us down this path. It is unmistakeable. All glory to Him! Now we need to take each next step and let His word light our path. If I let myself think too far down the path, I might stumble in darkness. All I need to think about is what He has for me right now. I don't need to worry about what the future will look like. Although, I hope in the near future my three little boys will remember not to run around the house in their underwear screaming like wild banshees when their big sister gets here!!! 

We can only boast in what God is doing in our cracked jars. "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us." (2 Corinthians 4:7) God has molded us and there are cracks. In those cracks and weaknesses, I hope and pray that His light is shining out. 

[And God's word has washed over my worried heart... ahhh! Amen!]