Do you see those gorgeous blond locks on the left?
They are so much harder to care for then the shorter hair on the right.
Recently, we took Irina to get quite a bit of hair cut. She was ready and thankfully excited. It was a big deal for her and definitely time to lesson the stress surrounding her hair. "Stress surrounding her hair?" you might say. Yes, indeed. Long hair needs to be brushed, washed, and cared for and that takes quite a bit of patience and skills.
This is just one SMALL example, but I'm learning very slowly and painfully about the brain. The brain does not fully develop when developmental experiences are missed and needs go unmet. It makes sense. I've read books, listened to seminars, read more books and articles and thought I had this figured out.
But it's been 21 months and the outside package looks developmentally appropriate for a 12 year old. Why isn't the inside package caught up yet?? Life goes on, things are not as new, and I'm growing weary. Why can't she do (fill in the blank)? Then I utter those dreadful words you should never say to your adopted child, "Why can't you act like your age?" I have royally goofed. Sadly, I've said something similar to this statement more then once.
I'm re-learning that if we didn't personally teach Irina to do something THEN we cannot assume she will know how to do those skills simply because she is old enough. How have I forgotten? A child from a hard place will most likely NOT match their chronological age to their developmental age. Just because she is chronologically 12, she is not developmentally 12. In our case, there is an obvious contrast in fine motor skills, mind development, problem solving skills, reasoning skills, etc.. And yet, even though I know this I forget and expect too much and then I'm frustrated and impatient and sometimes unkind. How's that for a run-on sentence! Do you hear my emotion here? Oh dear... I am in need of much grace. Thank you, Jesus, for your grace and forgiveness. Help me receive it and change.
I spent a little bit of time today searching the Empowered to Connect website, which is led by Dr. Karyn Purvis and her work with children from hard places. I found encouragement and hard reality.
Dr. Purvis says, "A child with a physical disability has an advantage. You see a physical disability and your expectations for tasks are lower. However, when a child looks perfect on the outside and their ability to perform tasks don't match their age it is easy to assume manipulation, control, belligerence or that they are just being babies."
She also says, "Brain development can only occur as they have trusting, loving interaction with a caring adult. Your child's brain is simply not the same as a child who has been protected and cared for from conception forward."
Maybe I need to get her a shirt that has a 6 on it? Maybe it would remind me to NOT expect this beautiful, joyful, young lady to know how to do things other 12 year old girls are able to do?
Love this quote from the Empowered to Connect site from Michael Monroe.
"I am called by God to come alongside my kids. Meeting their needs helps them to be all that God has created them to be."
Oh Lord, help me have eyes to see what Irina's needs are and to meet those needs out of joyful obedience to the call that God has given us, as her adoptive parents! Her underlying needs can get masked by outward behavior. If you are inclined to pray, please pray this child created by God will grow into all that God has created her to be. Pray for me to have patience and bear with her in love no matter how long it takes for her to catch up.
This hymn popped into my head as I was writing this post and I love the words:
Grace Greater than Our Sin
"Marvelous grace of our loving Lord,
Grace that exceeds our sin and our guilt!
Yonder on Calvary's mount outpourd,
There where the blood of the Lamb was spilled.
Refrain:
Grace, grace, God's grace,
Grace that will pardon and cleanse within;
Grace, grace, God's grace,
Grace that is greater than all our sin!
Marvelous, infinite, matchless grace,
Freely bestowed on all who believe!
You that are longing to see His face,
Will you this moment His grace receive?
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