Hard

We are still clueless over here... and it hurts. It's been 12 days since we learned that our dossier was approved and we were told we'd know by now when our court date is in Ukraine. We know nothing. NOTHING. NO contact with anyone who has information. It feels like I'm dreaming. I'm fearful and praying God will help me trust Him. I'm struggling to do so. Today, I put together a collage photo frame for her room with some old and new photos and it was HARD. I want to be joyful, trusting, and expectant. Instead I'm worried, fearful and anxious. Are we really going to Ukraine any time soon or are we going to find out that Irina has been adopted by someone else? Should I begin the grieving process now? Crazy/Irrational thoughts and dreams!!

As a believer in Jesus, I should be filled with HOPE. Hope in what I KNOW is true. "And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28 "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 God knows exactly when we'll be traveling. He knows the plans. He created Irina. He knows exactly how many hairs are on her head. He LOVES her more then us. These things are true no matter what happens. How do I live in the place of trusting Him and still accept these challenges? Can I find joy and thanks in ALL things? 

The uncertainty is burdening me. As fall schedules get going, how can I plan anything? for the boys? for us as a family? I have no idea what the next couple months look like and that is really bizarre for me. Can I settle in to just taking it day by day, moment by moment, trusting that God has this figured out? Oh, how I need His Spirit to help me do this. It's so contrary to how I am wired and maybe that is why we are walking this path? Perhaps it's an opportunity to learn to really trust Him?

Those of you who have walked the path of adoption, or have friends who have, already know about the challenges we will face once she is here. Others of you are more idealistic and naive. Once we get her home, the hard part will be just beginning. I don't say that to be pessimistic, but the hours and hours of required training for older child adoptions have not left me in the dark about what to expect. Irina is created by God and we are delighted to have her as a part of our family. We are confident that we are walking in obedience to God in opening our hearts and home to her.  However, Irina is a hurting child. Yes, the girl who we hosted at Christmas was filled with an inexplicable joy. As some have said, yes, she is a gem. But deep down, below that giggle and energy are wounds. Wounds that will eventually reach the surface as she finds a place of safety with us. Wounds that I'll never share... for it's not my story to tell. Our job will be to love her as she sifts through her emotions and discovers who she is in God's eyes. I can't fix her past, but I can give her His hope for her future. I certainly can't handle this in my own strength! We know (at least in our heads) that we will be blessed beyond measure as we lean on Him through the challenges ahead.

As I sit here in tears praying for our sweet girl, brainstorming a new American middle name, getting her room ready, wondering how she is doing, wondering what our future holds, hoping she still wants us to adopt her, wondering if we'll ever travel, crying out to God to give me peace and trust...will you join me in praying? Please pray that God will calm me and give me peace. Please pray that we will get information soon. Please pray that we will trust His timing and have JOY while we wait. Please pray that we will trust His financial provision as we are in the final stretch. I am looking forward to sharing how God answers these prayers. I know He will! 

[For additional reading about older child adoptions, check out this blog post from a fellow adoptive Momma. Based on my reading and training, it sounds right on.  Click HERE to read it.]